Letter 4: First stop to being enough - Feedback!
Dear defensible yet defensive daughters 1 & 2,
Good morning! I write to you today from my desk, determined to unravel the virtues of feedback for you. We can say this is in continuation to the series of letters I am writing to you about self confidence, esteem and more. It goes along the lines of knowledge about yourself. About building an awareness of self. And acknowledging it before course correcting yourself. I mentioned in Letter 2 that self knowledge is the bedrock to removing self doubt. In Letter 3, I spoke to you about what has helped me to do this awareness building for myself. More commonly though, we are tempted to defend ourselves in face of any and all feedback. Feedback makes us vulnerable. And this vulnerability is hard to experience when our self confidence is low, we doubt ourselves and our self image is negative at its best. Its a vicious cycle, and today, I am compelled to talk about it again (not harping about it :-)... I promise!), from a different lens using an analogy.
It occurred to me this morning as I was starting my pranayama practice and my yoga teacher kept reminding me to focus on my breath. Anxious birdie that my brain is, I was suddenly taken back to yesterday - as I drove my brand new Volvo XC60 - a crossover SUV. Both your father and I spoke about how little feedback we felt as the car went from 0-60 mph in a matter of seconds. It was all new. Unlike my trusty old Subaru Outback, where I can feel the acceleration, each turn of steering wheel and everything else in between; the 2024 models of cars are now super quiet. I actually need to practice listening to its feedback very very carefully or I would be in trouble. Keeping within speed limits; driving while paying attention to its heads up display while still focusing on the road, and learning its workings in and out.
I bring this up because just as cars are the vehicles that take us from one place to another - often a desired destination; our brain and mind is the vehicle that allows us to imagine a vision, create a vision, and also bring the vision to reality. There is one key difference between a car and our brain and mind. We can buy or lease a new car. When the old one stops serving its purpose for us. However we are blessed with one and only one mind, brain and body for this life. Unlike any other species, we have been given creative faculties in addition to the 5 senses of touch, taste, hear, smell. Bob Proctor talks of the 6 creative faculties at much length, outlining them as Perception, Reason, Will, Memory, Imagination and Intuition. He says that these faculties are what allow us to reach not only our potential but sometimes surpass it. And unfortunately, they are also the least harnessed in the traditional system of schooling and education. So it is up to us to develop them. This is where our ability to hone in on our ability to receive feedback becomes key.
Just like we cannot get safely to any destination without learning to decipher the feedback we receive from our cars, we cannot make our dreams and visions come to reality unless we learn to graciously receive the feedback our body, mind and environment is giving us. The first step in this process is to acknowledge it; using our creative faculties of perception, reason and intuition to process it; and using will, imagination and memory to continue to course correct our way to success.
I will share a personal example with you. You girls are no strangers to my driving anxiety and how it manifested for years where I shied away from driving on any highways and freeways. There was a definite barrier that I had to break to get to where I am today. The fear of making a major mistake while driving. And funny that the same fear barrier is somewhat back as I drive the new car. The car has given me feedback in terms of how quickly it responds to the slightest turn of the steering wheel, slightest press of the breaks etc. It floods me with the memories I have of when I was first taking the Subaru onto Route 1 and learning its feedback on how it moved based on my interaction with it. But having crossed the fear barrier once, and having done the work of reflecting on myself and using my intuition; I have a feeling I will be different this time. And while acknowledging the same fears, you have probably seen me find any and every opportunity to drive this new car. This is big growth on my part and I want you to have this one takeaway as you read this - There is no shame in receiving feedback.
As we look at ourselves, it will first and foremost look like - listening to our own physical body. Every emotion creates a sensation in our body. That is the first piece of feedback your body is giving you. Recognizing it will be you acknowledging this. And its the stepping stone to then doing the check in with yourself to identify what underlying feelings are causing this bodily reaction. Is it hunger, hurt, happiness or something else? Acknowledging your feelings will help you to learn what fuels or triggers you. And this knowledge will be the first step towards working fruitfully towards and achieving your goals.
I know it is definitely easier said than done. But you have been blessed with such beautiful minds, and I cannot wait to see these minds move continuously from the defensive state they are in to a defensible state where your self image, esteem and confidence is invulnerable in the face of feedback. There is only growth on the horizon! And on that note, I wish you well on this lifelong journey of feedback and learning about yourselves.
Love you loads,
Mumma