Letter 3: I am enough... And so are you!
Dear Doubting Daughters 1 & 2,
It is ironical that I am writing this letter the very next day after I wrote the letter on self confidence. The ugly head of self doubt has reappeared for me since yesterday. Self doubt about whether what I am doing in terms of my writing practice will serve you, or others or even myself. Fear about whether I truly have something to share in terms of life lessons. Its a familiar state for me. I have experienced self doubt, negative self talk and fear more than you would imagine. Be it when I had to drive you guys for riding, make decisions for you, make decisions at work or for my business at one point.
And to cope, I used the support system I had next to me to feed my confidence bucket. Its true, its amazing what others can do to help one feel better and it is important to surround oneself with our very own cheerleaders. But at the end of the day, how much of relying on others can feed one's confidence? I can tell you from my experience - not enough! Self reliance is truly the key. Because, relying on others and them delivering on your demands is truly dependent on what is going on in their lives, where they are in that journey and their own perception of your and their reality. And so, there is no wonder that books and recordings by Bob Proctor on the subject speak so much to me.
To eliminate fear and self doubt he constantly reiterates in his books and recordings that becoming more and more aware and knowledgeable about oneself is key. You both have seen me do a lot of diary writing and take time to reflect on thoughts, events and phases of our lives. That has been me looking inward and becoming aware of what causes all the self doubt in me. And, I have by no means figured out completely as to how I overcome this. There are a few things that have worked for me in helping me build up my self esteem and self confidence. These are:
Developing a consistent habit of waking up early and feeding my body and mind with a practice of yoga. I am by no means perfect; in fact I am coming off of a 4 month hiatus from yoga - but the truth is that I am back to it. I am being persistent in a convoluted sort of way ;-) In my own way.
I have recently started to look at my daily habits a bit more closely. To see what habits serve me and which ones don't.
I am learning or reinforcing a lesson each day.
A constant reminder to myself that I am on a journey of developing self reliance, self confidence and of realizing my infinite potential as a contributing member of the society.
So essentially, at the end of the day, what matters is that continue to do the things that fuel me. That serve me. And part of that is the writing practice. I may have some days better than the rest. I am daily imagining and creating a picture in my mind of leaving a legacy behind. How that gestates and comes to fruition is something I don't know. Instead of fearing that, I have to embrace the belief that I am onto something. Working hard towards leaving some of these messages behind for you girls is what excites me most right now and I will continue to do so. It may evolve.
I see you two also struggle with self doubt at times. Whether its when you go riding a horse, play the violin or study for a test or do your projects. I urge you to recognize that it happens. Trying to just shut it down will only mean that you are unable to look inward and process what is causing this self doubt. So let us together, move from any form of self doubt, to self awareness and an understanding that all you and I can do is determine what actions we take. As the Geeta says, "Karma karo, phal ki itchcha chod do". Meaning, do your duty without thinking about results. And hold a firm belief things will fall into place!
Undoubtedly your biggest cheerleader,
Your mumma!!